Is there a “Right Way” to be a Working Mom?

In my 32 years as a parent I have been…

• a stay at home mom
• a working mom with a working spouse and a nanny
• a working mom with a stay at home spouse
• a single mom with a nanny
• working from home with a spouse working from home

Pretty much any way there is to be a working parent, I have done it. It is also important to note that there were times in these 32 years where lack of money was a huge issue, and times where it wasn’t. That also makes a difference in how best to manage the balance between work and kids. I get asked very regularly (mostly by young women, but sometimes by others) how to make it work. There has been so much written on this subject, but based on my discussions with young women it seems to me that there are still unanswered questions.

I am a simple person, so my take on this is pretty straight forward. My grandmother’s worked (in very hard non-professional jobs). My mother was a teacher and then worked in my dad’s pizza shop when I was growing up- which often meant 17 hour days. Women working is hardly a new idea, but what is perhaps different now then in these earlier generations, is that women in my generation and those younger have far greater professional opportunities, which they want to nurture and grow. But still- to me there is an easy question to clear up any debate on the matter of being a working mom — do you want to have kids or not? If you don’t, then this article is not for you. If the answer is yes, then read on….

For me it was never a question whether I wanted to have kids or not- I knew I did and that was a priority. When I was in my early 20’s I wasn’t all that worried about what sort of career success I would have- and in retrospect that was a blessing because it saved me from the worrying. I got married when I was 21 and had my first two kids when I was 23 and 25- before my career really existed at all. From there my career grew and it wasn’t until I was 39, and my career was well established that I had my third child.

Here are a few things that I know about this experience:

1. When I am on my deathbed and I look back over my life, it will mean much more to me that I had my kids (and now my granddaughter) — that they enriched my life so much and that there is no wealth in the world greater than what I have received from them. Hands down, no question.
2. There have been really good things about me having a demanding job and raising kids. They are very self sufficient and they are not entitled at all. They have seen me work hard and they also have great work ethics. I have three boys and they all are great cooks. The women they have chosen to date have been strong and confident women- they are not at all afraid of women who can go toe to toe with them.
3. There have been some really bad things about me having a demanding job and raising kids. There were times, particularly when I was a single mom and early in my Wall Street career, when I didn’t get the balance right. When the kids slept on the floor of a conference room all night because I was working on a deal- not a good memory for me and definitely not for them either. I have no idea if we got that deal or not- but I do remember too often my kids wondering when I was coming home from business trips.
4. I learned over time how to do this better. I learned that most of my coworkers, whether male or female, had family obligations from time to time, and it was ok to miss work if I needed to go to a parent/teacher conference- my bosses were understanding if I gave them a chance to be. I learned how to focus on home when I was at home and at work when I was at work. I think some of that discipline eventually made me better at work and at home.
5. I learned that there is not one way to be a parent or a worker. As my experience shows, there are times when it makes sense to be the stay at home parent, and there are times when it makes sense to be the working parent. There are times when having a job that allows you to work from home is what is best for you and your family, and there are times when that doesn’t matter. Having a nanny, putting your kid in day care, or having a family member care for the kids- these are not “one size fits all” decisions, and in one lifetime all may have a place.

I am not much for regret, but I regret getting the work/life balance wrong when my older kids were young, and I regret not having more kids. I encourage everyone who is thinking about this issue to realize that where there is a will there is a way, and that knowing what really matters to you is a good first step in making the right decision. There is no one “right way” to be a working mother, but there are many ways to make it work for you and your family. The best decision I ever made was to have my kids-and no job, no matter how rewarding or lucrative could ever matter as much.