Navigating the Sandwich Generation
I never gave it much thought when I was a kid.
My grandmother began to show clear signs of dementia, and my mother was sad about it- that much was clear. But the struggle for my mother of having to work, raise my sister and me, help my father in his business while at the same time trying to offer help and support to her parents who were declining fast, was not something I thought a lot about. Such is the life of a kid — being generally self-absorbed and unaware of adult challenges.
Fast forward 40 years and I find that among my friends, a very persistent conversation is being had on the challenges of managing both their children, as well as increasingly needing to — and wanting to — be of more help to aging parents. I will confess that in this department, for the moment, I am exceedingly fortunate. Having had the great misfortune of losing my father at far too young an age, his aging is a variable removed from the equation. My mother- gym rat, clarinet playing band member, avid gardener and volunteer who helps “old people”- is still much more of a net helper to me than in need of my help.
We are very lucky indeed.
But cousins, in-laws, friends and co-workers are all juggling the growing challenges of assisted living; the need to attend doctors’ visits, the constant worry of declining health with the accompanying increased costs, and the emotional tax this takes on all involved. According to the Pew Research Center, nearly 50% of all adults in their 40’s and 50’s in the US today have both children at home and aging parents. Is there anything that can make being a part of the “sandwich generation” a bit easier?
1) Tradeoffs — in this “have it all world” it is sometimes frustrating to realize that something has to give. With competing demands of kids, parents and job, it frequently has to be a case by case basis. But understanding your “true north” — i.e. clarifying your priorities- makes it easier when faced with competing demands to pick what you truly need to do, above what may not be as pressing. Someone recently said to me that as an adult you are constantly juggling — but some of the balls that are in the air are made of rubber and some are made of glass. Although it is tempting to think at times that our professions are made of glass, they aren’t- at the end of the day work isn’t the most important thing in life. But our families are- and we want to do all we can to provide them the comfort and support they need.
2) Caregiving — Being a caregiver is an exhausting job. Depending on the situation — if it involves loved ones with dementia or other illnesses that can impact mood and behavior, it can also involve being treated pretty roughly. To sustain being a caregiver requires that you take care of yourself. Easier said than done, but to the extent that you have the option (take a nap vs spend time on social media, eat something healthy vs munch on junk food, etc.) — be kind to yourself and make the choice that will benefit you in the long run. The better off you are, the better care you will take of the people who need you.
3) Accepting Help — it is hard for some people to say, “I can’t do this alone” — but when it comes to the constant grind that can sometimes characterize the “sandwich generation”, finding help wherever you can get it, needs to be a priority. Kids are generally resilient so having them lend a hand where possible is a good learning experience for them and gives you the opportunity to have additional support. Whether it be friends, your spouse or hired help if finances allow — looking for as many ways as possible to get some assistance is a must.
4) Planning and Finances — maybe you are not in the “sandwich generation” yet, but you can envision getting there soon. Maybe you are already at that point and it looks like you will be there for a while. Either way, typically, one of the first places in life to see the strain, is your work life; missing work, not being able to be “in the zone”, mentally — however it manifests, the result could be that earning power is diminished at this time. This combined with inevitable increases in costs, means that finances can be squeezed. Consider the following:
a. If your aging parents are cognitively able, have a discussion with them about how to help them manage their finances, and how they will want them to be spent. Consider transitioning into co-managing finances, through digital platforms like Pefin.
b. Talk to your parents about whether staying in their home, living in a nursing or assisted living facility, or moving in with you is the right option for you both. The sooner you have these logistics sorted out the better. And remember, the answers to these questions may change as health and abilities change.
c. Consider having your boss or work colleagues as advocates for you. There have been a number of times in my career when employees have come to me to let me know that there is an acute situation that requires their time away from work to care for their parents, and never has this been an issue for me. Unfortunately, there are some companies and organizations where they won’t accommodate, but hopefully that is becoming less common.
In a study done by Charles Pierret in the Monthly Labor Review (2006), it was estimated that people in the sandwich generation spend an average of an additional $10,000 per year for caring for parents and children, and 1,350 hours on their parents and children combined. This massive investment of time and money doesn’t begin to reflect the emotional toll — and the “sandwich generation” population continues to grow as the population continues to live to older ages. Preparation, communication, and being as kind and charitable to everyone involved (especially yourself) goes a long way in navigating through this significant life challenge.
