Of Cloth Napkins, Fitting In, and Stepping Away from Fear

Stop being afraid. Easier said than done.

One of the biggest differentiators between those who are successful and those who aren’t is the paralysis caused by self doubt.

There are real differences among us in terms of talent, intellect, experience and drive. That is why thinking about how we invest in ourselves is key. Every action we take is either an investment in, or a withdrawal from, our personal “life” account.

Even micro decisions around:

• Eating healthy or poorly
• Working harder in school or coasting
• Systematically building relationships or not being intentional around who we have in our lives
• Pushing just a bit harder to learn a new skill vs vegging on the couch

All of these decisions — and so many more- matter. But in the end, I am not sure these are the things that matter most.

When we see the most successful people, they aren’t necessarily better educated or with a better work pedigree. Some of the most revered people in the history of the world- Martin Luther King, Mother Theresa, Richard Branson as examples- all had a very clear vision for what they wanted to do. And importantly that vision wasn’t thwarted by fear.

While I think it is important for all of us to take a hard look at how fear may be slowing us down or causing us to not step out and try to do the things that matter to us, there is something that may be even easier for all of us to do, that could perhaps be helpful on this topic of fear. That is — can you recognize that when someone else hesitates to act, or to ask a question, or to try something, rather than being critical and judgmental, perhaps all of us can pause for a moment and recognize that maybe the person we are observing is afraid. Maybe we can help, we can encourage, we can try to understand that stepping out in fear is hard- and we can lend a hand to take a step.

I recently had a situation that drove this home for me. I had dinner with a young woman who, as I learned in the course of that time together, had a particularly difficult childhood. What struck me was that we were in a restaurant that was nice (of the white tablecloth variety) but not excessively fancy, at least by the standards of New York financial community. However, this young woman was visibly uncomfortable- and as a result of her jitters, she spilled a bit of soup. She began nervously looking for a napkin to clean it up, but couldn’t find what she was searching for. The person sitting to her left pointed out that she had a napkin there at her place setting- and this young gal was incredulous that this piece of cloth was a napkin, and that it was ok to use it to wipe the spill. She had only ever seen paper napkins and was clearly suspicious that it would be ok to dirty this cloth. She sheepishly used the cloth napkin, with a look around the room that showed she had expected someone to chastise her. With every ounce of her being, her body language said “I do not believe I have a right to be here.” A warm word to put her at ease, a hug, assurance that it’s no big deal, were all key to getting things back on track.

It is so easy to assume that everyone has had the same experiences that we have had- and to judge them on the basis of our own experiences. However if we suspend judgement for a moment and consider that the places where we are at ease may be very off putting for others- and that this discomfort may be a barrier to fitting in- it could be an opportunity for us all to change the narrative and create an environment where people are willing to take a risk and be themselves. Only when people feel like they can be a part — of a school, or a workplace, or a social group- will there be the opportunity to take a risk and try something new. It is in the trying- that stepping out- that success begins to happen. So while we can all be more bold and less fearful, maybe the call is to focus less on ourselves, and to see to what extent we can lend a hand to bring someone else along with us.