The Deafening Noise of Self Justification

I recently read that in the narrative of our own lives, we perceive ourselves as either the hero or the victim, but never the antagonist. How true. It is very hard to get enough perspective on our own behavior to see when we are truly wrong — but it is certainly easy for us to judge others that way.

One of the greatest muscles that we can develop as we grow through life, is that of empathy. To the extent that we can really try to understand where someone else is coming from, we can move from putting them in the box of “good” or “bad” but rather try to see if there is a way to find common ground from which to build a relationship.

I am not of the opinion that there are no bad people. History certainly shows us that there are. But for the most part in our work lives, as well as in our personal lives, we are going to be called to interact with people who are trying- but flawed- much like ourselves. To the extent that we want people to extend us the courtesy of judging us by our attempts as well as by our results, as imperfect as they sometimes are, how much more should we try to do the same for them?

Asking someone why they think what they think, or why they did what they did- rather than assuming-is the first step. Listening- really listening- to the answer is the very important second step. Finally, only on rare occasions do we actually need to proclaim a verdict on what someone is doing. We too often feel like we have to offer an opinion or make a decision about whether or not we approve of what someone else is doing, but almost always we don’t have to. If we do have a point of view, it is beneficial to ask ourselves whether there is a good reason to share it. Sometimes keeping our mouths shut is the better part of wisdom.

Steven Covey famously said “seek first to understand, then to be understood”. In our world today, there is a deafening noise of people trying to be heard. Let’s give ourselves the break today of quieting our own voices — if only for a moment- to give others the chance to be heard.