The No-Win Comparison Game
I was speaking with a wise man this morning, and he said to me “Compare leads to despair.” We were talking about the very human tendency to look at where others are in their careers (or academic achievements or sporting accomplishments- you get the picture)- and to measure ourselves against where they are.
It may be true that no man is an island, but it is equally true that no one can live our life except for us- in charting our course we are all, in some sense, alone. What is your definition of success FOR YOU? I had this conversation recently with someone who was observing that there are, for lack of a better term, “jerks” who end up being very “successful” in the world — gaining power, money and status. (There is no correlation in that statement — some of the loveliest people are also materially successful!) My thesis, however, is that if someone is a jerk they are, almost by definition, unhappy people irrespective of how much they have achieved or not. If someone is a jerk at work, they are a jerk at home- people are lousy at compartmentalizing who they are. In the long run being a jerk leads to personal misery- you may still have all the “stuff”- but we all know we can’t take it with us!
When you think of people who have really made a difference — the Martin Luther King’s or Mother Theresa’s of the world- they certainly weren’t comparing themselves to what others have done, and that is a good thing for the world! They were charting new courses- their own unique path. We all have gifts and abilities that can be developed to be the very most we can be. The end result need not be fame and oodles of money (both of which have very real downsides as well)- but the goal of life is a life well lived, which is going to be different for each of us. There are plenty of people (most in fact!) who will never be household names, never have fame and wealth, but who made an impact on their families, their communities and their work places. When you think of the person who influenced you the most, more likely than not they would fall into the “obscure” category as far as the world is concerned- probably a parent or a teacher, a pastor or a coach, but they meant the world to you.
If we focus more on how we can be that person who had a positive influence, who made a difference in someones life, who left the world a bit better than they found it, we will also find the peace that comes from setting the comparisons aside. My youngest son is a swimmer, which I have come to love as a parent. Not only does the hours in the pool provide a meditative space that is so lacking in today’s world, it also is a sport that emphasizes how well you swam a race relative to your previous best time. Although it looks like the races are being swum against the others in the pool, it is really always a race against yourself. What a great training for the rest of life!
