The Roller Coaster of Life
I am an optimist by nature, but no matter how much the glass is half full, there are times in everyone’s life that are objectively difficult. Whether it is an illness, financial difficulty, the loss of a loved one, or a beloved child struggling (we are only as happy as our least happy child!)- life happens to all of us. Rather than trying to avoid having bad things happen, I think it is much more useful to try to prepare ourselves for what reaction we want to have when it does. As we know, we can’t control when difficulties happen, but we can control how we respond. Here are a few thoughts:
- To the extent possible, try to avoid self-inflicted wounds- and then learn from them. None of us are perfect and we all make mistakes. Being honest with ourselves about what part of the failure we caused is a great way to insure it doesn’t happen again. There are plenty of things that happen in life through no fault of our own- so also give yourself a break if it is just a matter of unfortunate circumstance. But knowing which is which is important.
- Build up a muscle of thanksgiving and spiritual focus to be able to weather the storms. Whether you practice your religion or in some other way get in touch with a power bigger than yourself, you will need this when the really bad things happen. For me personally, knowing that I can rest in the hands of God- through the good and through the bad- is an enormous comfort.
- Stay as healthy as you can so that when you do have illness or emotional problems, you have reserves to draw on. Eating whole and healthy food, not drinking too much, not smoking, get enough sleep etc. Easy stuff. It matters!
- Surround yourself with people you can rely on- and cry on. Fair weather friends are often tolerated in the good times, but it isn’t a good strategy. The people who will be with you when you are poor and broken are the people you want in their lives.
- Practice getting back up- push yourself. There are times when you can’t get up, but it is easy to give up, or to make excuses. Learning to be tough is usually the difference between people who succeed in the long run and those that don’t. It is helpful to immerse yourself in stories of people who have overcome odds. The internet is full of them!
- Pause in the trauma and see if there is something that you can learn from it. It is difficult to gain perspective — but there are times when there is a lot of growth that comes from hardship, even it is painful to get there. But to miss out on the positive part of learning is a wasted opportunity.
- Learn to let go. No matter how much something hurts, we are given a gift of life to live it- and to continue to look forward to the future is important. Letting go of the pain and the grief- it may only happen with the healing of time- but be kind to yourself and try to find the small bright spots in every day.
One other thought- when someone around you is fighting a battle, offer a shoulder, but keep the advice to yourself unless you are asked. Years ago, after I lost my second child, an acquaintance phoned me to see how I was doing. In addition to the grief, I was also recovering from a C-section so was in some physical pain as well. The conversation started with the person admonishing me for saying I was in pain — because she said “it doesn’t hurt to have a miscarriage”- so I found myself explaining that I hadn’t had a miscarriage, that my son was born and died shortly thereafter. She then proceeded to suggest that perhaps “God had taken this baby because He wanted me to focus more attention on my first son.” I don’t believe she meant to be hurtful- I think she didn’t know what to say. Fortunately I didn’t believe that God behaved in the way she described, but I did learn that in delicate matters of life and death, it is usually better to say nothing- or just say “I am thinking about you and I am here if you need me”- than to elaborate on your own theories.
Life is often like a roller coaster, so enjoying the ups to be able to weather the downs is an important survival strategy!
