What do Father’s have to do with Successful Daughters?

Success can take many forms. It can be about professional achievement, but perhaps even more about charting, and owning, the course that is meant for you. As a woman in business it can also be about finding happiness, some degree of balance, and peace in the often chaotic world that we have chosen. For me the opposite of success is being a victim — and we hear a lot today about women being victimized in the workplace.

I am certainly not a psychologist nor am I an expert on workplace harassment, however I do believe that in general predators target the vulnerable. I credit my father for my lack of vulnerability. When I mentioned this in a recent discussion with a former colleague and friend — who is a father of a daughter- he perked way up and asked for more details on this. I told him I would write a blog post about it- and so here we are. My father died when I was 24–which is 30 short years ago- but he had a massive impact on who I am. I hear his voice often, and the lessons he taught me become even more important and more true the older I get.

So first, a brief description of my father. He was not a Wall Street person- far from it. He did find business and finance fascinating, and he read avidly about all of it. Before I have real memories of him he was a graduate student (a History major)and worked at a University, but quickly learned that wasn’t for him, so my earliest memories are of him in various businesses — selling products door to door, or managing a restaurant.

When I was about 11 he bought a very small pizza shop in a sketchy neighborhood in the Boston area, and my teen years were spent working with him in that very small shop. He eventually moved into buying multi-family real estate properties and once I was in college began to have a measure of commercial success- and then all too quickly he was gone. He was shaped in many ways by his Catholic upbringing, and although he stopped practicing his religion before I was born, he lived the “what would Jesus do” better than anyone I have ever met.

So what did he do as a father that impacted me so much- and made me resilient?

1. He made sure I knew that my voice mattered. When I was 12, he and I were working together- I think I was chopping about 20 pounds of onions- and we were listening to talk radio, as we often did. I was complaining that the discussion was stupid and I had a whole host of opinions on the topic. My father gave me a dime (people under 35 ask your parents) and told me to call the radio station and tell them what I thought. I pushed back and said that no one wants to hear what a little girl has to say- but he was adamant that what I had to say needed to be heard. I called and got on the air. We had a discussion about the topic at hand-and the memory of that is vivid in my mind today. I bet my father forgot about it the next day- so much was this a part of who he was- but for me it meant everything. I am sure that my feeling like my opinions are as good as anyone else’s were shaped by this- and thousands of other small moments- where my father showed me how to speak up.
2. He put me in challenging situations, because he trusted I could handle it. One day- I was probably 13- my father went to run errands and left me alone to man the sub shop. Although business was slow when he left, it got very busy within minutes of his departure- and at the same time a delivery came in. I was scrambling to get it all done- professionally and cheerfully, when one of the neighborhood boys thought it would be funny to drop his pants in the middle of the restaurant. He clearly thought it would be hilarious to get me flustered, and I remember thinking explicitly that I needed to just ignore him and his nonsense and get my business done. I am sure my father didn’t anticipate that particular circumstance, but knowing I was entrusted with our family’s livelihood meant so much to me, that I wasn’t going to have it messed up by some silly boy and his naked bottom! I also can’t think of better preparation for my decades of work on a trading floor!
3. My father held me to high standards. He was usually pretty easy going- even coming across as a hippie. In reality he knew what mattered in life-and was unwavering in his commitment to what was right. My father knew how important it was to live with integrity and he insisted I do the same. When I was 16 I had the luxury of waitressing at a restaurant that would pay me (not the case in a family business), and I jumped at the chance. But one day when I had a day shift in the summer, I got a call from my friends who were on their way to the beach and invited me to go. I so wanted to run off with my carefree friends- so I called into my job and, with a few fake coughs, told them I was sick and wasn’t coming to work. When I hung up the phone and looked up, my father was there. My heart sank. My father didn’t yell- he just told me that I had made a commitment to those people at the restaurant, and that I was not going to leave them in a lurch. He told me to pick up the phone and call them back- he instructed me to tell them that I lied, that I wasn’t sick, and that I would be right there. It was a hard phone call to make, but I knew he was right to do it. The obligation I had as a worker lasted with me through waitressing — but also to every other job I ever had.
4. My father learned about business on the job- and he taught me as he learned. I remember him sitting down with me when I was in high school and showing me the impact of paying down more principal on a loan than is required in the monthly payments. He also included me in real decisions about whether to purchase a rental property — and would bring me to the closings. He didn’t treat me like a little kid in these transactions- he explained what was going on and listened to my input. He treated me like a partner — and I learned so much in the process. This wasn’t theoretical, it was quite literally about the food on our table, and being included was to me a huge honor.
5. My father was always, always, always ready to listen to me — even when I said and did things he didn’t want to hear or approve of. He made it very clear that I could bring any problem to him — any problem at all- and he would help me with it without judgement. I definitely tested this- I was not an easy teenager, and I certainly made my share of bad choices- but he was the one I turned to, and he never failed to be there as he promised. In some ways I was a stereotypical teen — partying too hard, running around with boys, and generally acting in a way that all parents pray that their kids won’t (such as moving in with my boyfriend when I was 18!). But my father was there for me through it all. I never doubted that he had my back, and he always did. When I asked him what I thought about my (bad) decisions, I got an earful about Judeo-Christian values and how bad morals were the destruction of our society- so he didn’t mince words and wasn’t afraid to tell it to me like it is, but he waited for me to ask him what he thought.
6. My dad taught me to be confident in my good decisions and to know when to walk away from a bad one. He himself was ever fearless, which at times manifested in him quitting jobs when the time was right — even if not opportune for our family finances. He often told me that people may love you, and people may hate you, so trying to please people is a fools errand. Being ok with people not liking me was a huge gift that I didn’t realize until I got much older and saw the hoops that many people jump through to be liked and validated. My father also strictly adhered to the notion that things could always be better, but they could always be worse- and getting too excited about anything one way or the other was probably a mistake. All of that instilled in me the capacity to trust my gut, and to walk away from a job when the time was right for me- with no regrets. It also taught me to not be too enthralled with accolades or hurt by criticism. It is all just the waves of life.

Not every girl needs to grow up to be a business woman and not every father needs to have a pizza shop and make his kids work for him to teach them life lessons. I think the main thing was that my father really included me in his life, and he really listened to me and valued my input. He also wasn’t afraid to tell me when I was wrong and insist that I make it right. He supported me every step of the way- not by showing up at school events (that rarely if ever happened- he was way too busy) or other more typical “good parent” behavior, but by being there in life and cheering me on every step of the way. Even though he passed away before I got into business, I know he never stopped cheering me on.