What’s Holding You Back?

For some reason, this question has come up a few times in my house this week- which I take as a sign that I am meant to write about it.

My youngest son was asked this- along with his other teammates on his swim team- by their coach. Makes sense when you are training for a sport and the goal is clear- to swim faster. Another family member is considering a job change, and it came up when we were discussing it at dinner, when it became clear that the act of looking for a new job was a stumbling block.

Quite literally every day I talk to people who have something they want to achieve that seems out of reach for them. Some people are wanting to start a new business. Another is wanting to publish a book. Yet others want to reinvent themselves in their career. So many people have ambitions but feel stuck. We have all felt that at one point or another- but why does this happen, and how to get unstuck?

To me the why is generally pretty clear, and best articulated by Isaac Newton- an object at rest tends to stay at rest. There is inertia. That doesn’t mean that people are not working hard or aren’t active- not at all. What it does mean is that for some reason there is a step that they need to take- to break free of the overwhelming gravitational pull- that is stopping them from moving in the direction they desire.

To me the problem can be broken down in the following way:

1. Have you clearly identified what it is you want to do? As Steven Covey said, if your ladder is on the wrong wall, getting to the top of it isn’t going to help you. Wanting a new job may not be specific enough- really being clear about what you want to do, what are non-negotiable requirements, etc is the first step.
2. Is there any chance at all that your dream will become a reality? I may want to be the Queen of England, but it can’t happen. I know we live in a world of “you can be anything you want to be” — but there are actually things you can’t be. If you aren’t sure, talk to some impartial third parties who will be honest with you.
3. Is what you want to do really consistent with your moral compass. In other words, if your goal is to make zillions of dollars, you may want to ask yourself what the real value of this goal is to your life. Would you sacrifice your relationships, your health, or compromise your ethics to get there? Hopefully not.
4. Have you evaluated the downside of trying and failing? If you want to start a business and you have significant debt and a few kids to provide for- it still may be a good idea if you have a high probability of success. It could be a really bad idea if it’s a long shot and you have a lot of people depending on you. When I was 11 my father started a pizza shop- without much money and with a family to provide for. But it was a fairly low risk venture and it pretty much worked out (not without an enormous effort on all of our parts). It also cured me from any venture that remotely looked like a restaurant, a family owned business — or anything else like it.
5. Have you created a plan for making it happen? One unlikely source of inspiration for me to undertake any large task, is a website called FlyLady.net. If you take a look at it you will see that it is essentially about house cleaning and home organization. But dig a little deeper and you will see that it is really about how to take on any large project — and get it done by creating bite sized tasks. People have testimonials on the site about how they have written and published books, or painted the exterior of their home single handedly — and on and on- all in 15 minute a day increments. I use this method all the time. The key is consistently setting aside the 15 minutes a day to do what you need to do, and then stopping and coming back to it without fail the next day.
6. Finally I would suggest taking some time to think about alternate plans. I was talking to someone recently who had their heart set on a certain career path and was experiencing enormous frustration because it wasn’t happening. This person said that they knew they could move back to their home town and have no stress in providing for their family, but they didn’t want to let the family down. I would argue that having significantly reduced stress could be a real benefit to the family- and even having less money to provide a lavish lifestyle for the kids may also ultimately be in their best interest. Maybe not. But sometimes we are so set on a path that it is hard to see that there is another — and maybe better- answer, that could be staring us right in the face.

If the goal is about feeding your ego, or creating status, it may not be ultimately be lining up with your true core values. If, on the other hand, it makes sense for you- then you really just need to force yourself to take the “baby steps” that the Fly Lady website talks about and make it happen. Make a plan. Stick to the plan. Follow it through. Even if things don’t work out the way you thought they would, you will feel great knowing that you don’t have to wonder “what if”!